Do you understand?

Do you understand the constant need to be a jerk to others? Well I do. Do you know what it is like to have to turn to excessiveness for everything? I do. Do you know how it feels to fight for everything? I do. Do you know how it feels to know that I will never be a girly girl because I am forced to be a fighter every minute of every day? It SUCKS.

Everyday I am told how negative I am, yet *someone* posts these bible versus about not lying and cheating and stealing and *someone* judges those very posts. It is quite different when I put it like that is it not?

Everyday I am affected by some unforseen issue. The laziness of not following through in *someones* job is the most frequent issue. Beginning in October we have heard "its the holiday". That translates to I do not have to do anything. It is so fustrating and leads me into excessive tactics. While you are perfectly fine and it is "just" a runny nose when you sneeze and wipe that same nose at Walmart (because walmart trips are vital) then touch the carts it effects me. When you want to be lazy and just transfer the messages, you delay treatment. When I have to google and find out you cut corners because "it is the holiday" it infuriates me which in turn makes ME negative and judgemental of YOU, so before you go pointing that finger THINK.

I may be judgy and negative or whatever word you want to use but you damn well know where I stand. I am an open book, last time I checked lying is not polite or acceptable.

Lastly I would love to know how it feels to have a kid not to worry about. Your smoking outside is adorable. I have to walk through it everyday. No way to avoid it. Oh you feed your kid milk and she is ok? Yea, not mine. Oh every kid talks by two? Not mine so do your job and help me figure out why. Your kid is perfect. Mine is not. I get it. I get why I get a kid that has issues but for the sake of God, please understand while she walks and babbles normally that she succeeds everyday by my incessant pushing. The same push that allows me to not keep friends (except one) because I have to push to live. It is what I do to get things done and move on, and most importantly, to be a mother, a wife, a lifter, a nurse, a woman with understanding and persistance.

Christmas and Greed, is it interchangeable?

Christmas and Greed is it interchangeable?

Christmas has always been miserable for me. There is a lot to be said for gift minimums and maximums and the consumer holiday crap. 

I really started to hate Christmas in my twenties when I gave a gift of Target Pajamas to a sibling and I got "that's all I got?". I then found out there was a minimum to be spent. You will see this time of giving frequently marked with minimums to holiday and company parties, to church parties and secret Santa. I find it disgusting. I refuse to participate. I suggest dollar gifts and people scoff. I suggest homemade and people reeeeeally frown. When did we all get so damn greedy? 

This was all initiated by two things today:  1) my grandmother asking what we wanted for Amelya. I told her about the consigned sit and spin and some markers. You know, used (gasp!!) stuff. I wear used. I actually cannot think of any work or workout clothes that are not used. Heck, I wore used boots today!  2) we were given a 25 dollar gingerbread house... Wuuuuut? Yep, 25. While it was well worth it after A got to it, I could of thought of some better uses of 25. I actually watched my BFF use graham crackers and spray icing. Each kid got their own house!! Pretty rad. 

Christians are so lost in the hype they forget the fun in giving when it requires a price.  Atheists are no better. I even see numerous religions touting "the anti Christmas gift" which ends up a huge ticket item. What happened to "Erika loves socks, these are perfect!" And they cost 3 bucks or even 5. Why did you suddenly have to buy 6 damn pairs to meet a minimum? Ohhh because Joe spent 30 and he should get the same in return. So it must be about equality. 

Wow. We all gotta be equal. That is the damn problem with this world, equality. Let me tell you something, I am all about independence, but Michael is a MAN. When did holding his balls in my pocket become equal? When did my ability to step back and allow Michael to speak for me, as the head of household, make me unequal? Did we loose our sense of equality with women's rights or with the dying economy?  I am starting to think our greed did it. When we required the 100 dollar shoes instead of hand me downs or when gift minimums came into effect. When being equal was getting what you gave, not getting what you need. 

Let me leave with this, the seven sins:

1. Greed - Wanting too much of something.  2. Gluttony - Similar to greed, but gluttony is the action of taking too much of something in.  3. Lust - The need to fulfill unspiritual desires (not just sexual desires, but this is usually what lust is associated with.)  4. Envy - Jealousy; wanting to have what someone has.  5. Sloth - Being too slow or lazy at doing something.  6. Wrath - Vindictive anger; angry revenge.  7. Pride 

"Strong is the new skinny"

I have been powerlifting since 2009. That being said I have seen a lot. More than most. I also know a lot more than most about the lifters, their backgrounds and some of the crazy stuff  they have done. I have even asked some people like Lindsay, what actually happened during that seminar. I researched supposed porn by power lifters. Anyhow, there are some pretty distinct personalities in pl...

Most commonly seen is:

That guy who:
Wants to eat his way up (ie bulk)
Wants to stick his pole in every girl but wants her to keep quiet about their "relationship"
Wants to stay "drug free"
Wants to wear tight Aeropostale shirts and greasy hair and bench 315, braaaa
Wants to pull 2.5x bodyweight Lifting for a girl
Lifting for general wellness

That girl who wants to

Sleep her way through the top
Is "clean" (read as drug free)
Is skinny
Has a badonkadonk
Is lifting to feel better about herself
Is lifting because someone made her Is lifting for general wellness

Both who want to "Make a mark on the pl world" Let me tell ya, I have only met two people who have ever reached that mark with respect (honesty, considerate, responsible) AJ and Laura. Yep. Pretty sad, eh? Hell I have my mistakes in pl (I dated a d bag of a lifter before my spouse). So, let me break it to ya, you are not gonna make a mark unless it is in your pants when you squat (ie skid mark). So this point leads into "things you can do to make yourself the talk of pl" they include:  sleeping with the top level lifter, sucking someone's vag/penis, making a bash against another lifter, writing a hot topic article.

Let us all go on to this recent bash on "strong is the new skinny" first off, who the FUCK are you to down a slogan that promotes heavy women (because even though it is not abput weight, the majority of heavy women feel it is)? Do you know the other side of the plight? I do. I weighed 140 at one point. I also weighed 255 at another. So.... The slogan "strong is the new skinny" it is not a slogan to break down, it is a slogan that means skinny is popular, now strong is. There is no need for analysis or definitions. This is not Louie Simmons/Jon Grove/Wendler Scientology. It has nothing to do with unity of women nor body weight, you would know that if you had a bodyweight over 114 and your visible hip bones and ribs was actually something of an illness instead of being proud of it and slathering it all over Instagram. This is not about "uniting women of all body types." "Strong is the new skinny" has gotten so many people I know into strength sports, do not knock it because their numbers are high or you have nothing to write about or because all your friends are a buck fifty. Do not bash women when the whole point of bashing "strong is the new skinny" was to bond females. Let me tell ya honey, I cannot bond with you because odds are I will sit on you and crush you with my big heavyweight ass. So here is my hot topic article. I have never been liked and could really give if I am liked... I also have slept with someone before marriage. So judge me as you may, I have been on both sides of the fence, so my opinion is actually valid. Quit bashing "strong is the new skinny."

Cloth diapers

Cloth Diapers

There are so many questions that take forever to find via Internet on cloth diapers... So many kinds it makes my head spin. So many myths too!! Being the crude mother I am, let me get to the dirty details of myths...

1. You have to touch poop.  Um... First off your kid pretty much does that in your belly for nine months but for all intensive issues lets say you are immune to that. I am wondering how many of you have never pooped and gotten it on your hand when wiping. No one? Well I have. It wipes off. You CAN wash your hands. You can also use a sprayer. It costs around 15 for a sprayer.

2. It is expensive. I paid 180 for all my dipes.... So... Math shall we? 180 (26 diapers) + wipes (used receiving blankets) free+ dipe solution (once a year) 20 + bamboo inserts (25) = 225. (No sprayer, poop does not scare me) so a year is 225Luvs (252ct) 25 + wipes  4=  29 this  is a month worth so a year is 348Now 348-225=125 saved. Is your kid potty trained at a year? No? So....348  + 348 = 696 for two years. I am not spending anything on cloth... SoIn two years I saved 473. That is based on eight dipes a year and NO diaper rashes... 482 with one tube of the good stuff.

3. It is a pain. Is the part where you cannot open your trash can from the smell of poop attractive? Yes? Well, I would not know. You enjoy chlorine chemical burns? The screams of pain with diaper changes? Or what about the chemicals your child absorbs? You ok with that too? I have a high risk kid anyway, so none of that is good for me but do what you must. 

So, more myths shall we?

First of all you CAN buy used diapers cheap (the good ones) and ones to get you by new cheap (not so good).Used diapers can be found on Craigslist, several fb groups and cotton babies.com (the ones I have personally used), in general a used diaper should be five or less and a new, the same. New can and should be purchased via fb co-ops because they get the best price.There are SO many kinds of diapers All in ones (aio), flip system (flip), pockets (ones you stuff) and prefolds. Prefolds are the cheapest. Flip is next, then pocket and aio are pretty expensive. If you flip or pocket you need to know about the insert types (hemp, bamboo, charcoal, microfiber). Hemp and bamboo and charcoal all are big absorbers. Micro fibers are the panty liners of the diaper world. Great for newborns but as a child grows another insert will be needed. I personally stuff... I love my pockets. I dabbled in all in ones but they stunk big time (thanks Tracy for helping me out!!)

I now own or have messed with the following:
Sun baby
Bum genius
Kawaii
Sweet baby bottom
Blueberry
Happy hiney
Lotus bumz

Each diaper has great pros or cons except blueberry. For the cost it sucked. I would never pay 16 bucks for a diaper that lasts only one kid. Keep it.Sun baby is now on its third kid and given that, the fact that you can get them for fiveish a dipe, good job. My sun babies are now delaminating but useable.Sweet baby bottoms have held up as well as sun baby but have a lot more stretch for the larger baby.Lotus bumz are ok at best. For five to ten bucks they are worth one kid BUT I doubt they will last beyond my one kid.Kawaii are my fav besides bum genius. My overnights have not leaked, not once, unfortunately I waaaaay overpaid because no one told me about co ops. Bum geniusthe all in ones SUCKED but absorbed super well. The pockets absorb well but these are the dipes I have had the least amount of time.

Washing cycle

Rinse off poop or pee
Rinse cycle in washer
Wash cycle
Rinse cycle
Dry dipes by air. 

Stink? White vinegar in the wash :) You can use homemade detergent, ALL free and clear (tide is too pricey for me) and invest in some white vinegar and blue dawn in case you get the stinks or start to repel. You can also pick up coconut oil to put on your baby if any redness occurs. That is the quick and easy of it...

Vitamins, training and speech oh my!!!

So... 

After several other issues since my last update with A we are now on Natures Vitality Calm for kids. A is not hyper, but focused. She enjoys playing but it I usually it is very involved and exploring all aspects which eventually leads to her not eating well. So, I found a multi mix, gmo free and full of raw good for you things like fish oil, veges, fruits, bcaa and the normal vitamins and minerals. I started her on two tbsp a day mixed with oj. She is on day four. So far nothing big yet, but I do notice when she misses gym days with me. Apparently A loves being as active as we are. She missed Thursday because of speech and was a grumpy monkey the rest of the day. This leads me to believe we are doing right by her. 

We are also facing a consult for multiple therapies for her. I prefer not to go into detail, but it has angered me only because for months I have indicated a need and it feels like it is taking forever to get a licensed therapist out. It is nice to know her therapies are paid for until 3, but it seems like it may not start until 3 at this point. 

On another aspect I have veered away from powerlifting and into Strongwoman. I had high hopes that strongman would be different from powerlifting, but I am wrong it just has less weirdos than pl. I have asked and received help from a handful of MEN amateurs and one very good sponsored sm but not one single female. I tend to think this is because Strongwoman has less participants, but so does powerlifting; regardless I am very use to being the exclusion being as I never trained Westside, will not ever touch the cube and 5/3/1 is just not for me and with Strongwoman, you can train but there is no set program. 

Strongwoman training:

I do know this: I need stone work. I need front squats. I need high pulls and upper back strength. I need endurance. I will program this in as well as the normal squat, Deadlift and OHP. I am also going to start walking with A with a weight vest on to help. 

SN: this blog was written before this "pro" thing went on. I have one thought.. I see faults on both sides and I wish to keep that to myself. 

Just a thought....

I wish people knew what it was like to be in my shoes. To wake up every morning with your arm half asleep and your husband upset because your child sleeps with you, not because of a belief or bond but because you are worried she will quit breathing. 

I wish people would take me for the person I am that is not always showing, the one who worries constantly if I am on top of the laundry, the dishes, med refills, the grocery list, bills or even  current research on A's nutritional, heart, gi, sleep or speech needs. The one who lifts when she can because putting her in daycare is a death sentence because of the financial burden of a hospital stay. The one who lifts because she would lose her sanity and all reason if she could not. The one who feels like although she tries, she knows she has placed her spouse on the back burner to make everything work to have a family.  The one who will always speaks out but not about the things that really bother her. The one who also works 29+ hours despite what people think. 

I wish people knew the countless things it takes to be strong. Physically and mentally. 

I wish people would experience the daily issues of a child with needs. 

Often, more than once a day I try to research alternate methods to help my little. Such a small surgery brought on big consequences... And often I do not even know where to start.

Things not to say to a heart parent

Things NOT to say to a Heart Mother or Father

1. She looks fine! If fine is a damaged heart, then yea, she is GREAT.

2. She is all fixed now! Sure, lets scar up your lungs and see how well you breathe the next 5 years of your life IF you live that long.

3. What did you do? Just like I saw on http://www.mommyish.com/2013/10/18/10-things-say-nicu-mom/ I drank, smoked crack and did drugs.

4. At least it is just her heart. Oh is it? The non stop vomiting, the sleep apnea, etc... Yea just her heart.


5. That must be hard. No, what makes it hard is that 90 percent of the world thinks no one else is sick and it is ok to expose everyone else to the (insert gi bug, flu, cold here) or that cancer is more life threatening than CHD.

6. Well at least you can stay home with her more. Ok, so how do I afford her 61 dollar meds or doctor visits? A car to take her there? Foods to make her eat so she does not loose weight. 6a. Put her in a daycare for a day or two. Sure. So do you take your kid to daycare with a "clear" snotty nose? Oh, yes? Well clear runny nose causes us to be on respriatory treatments and miss the 30 plus hours I need to work.

7. You are always so serious when it comes to (insert person/thing/activity). My daughter was given less than a normal kids opportunity to do normal daily activities, she has issues to look for and a limited life span and yes, I take full blame for it, so if she cannot give 100, I will.

8) Her scar is not that bad. First off a daily cream at 17 an oz is applied and do you have a scar that will span your back your entire life for people to stare and or make fun of?

9) She will not need another surgery right? Your (insert relative here who had a heart attack) had to go back for hardening/stenosis right? Well she is one, so you guesstimate.